EFT/Tapping Q and A with Gene Monterastelli - Emotional Freedom Techniques

Archives for January 2011

My Favorite Thing My Clients Say During a Session & How You Can Use It To Accelerate Your Healing

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photo by Karen Eliot

I love working with clients. I have learned so much from them. When working with them my favorite thing for them to say is, “I know this has nothing to do with it, but…”

Before we get to that, let’s take a step back.

One of the problems we face when working with an issue is we can get caught in our own story. It is very natural for us to want to know why we are the way we are. This can make it easier to manage what is going on. If we see a cause and effect, then it can give us an entry point to understanding how we can heal.

For example, I was working with a client who had a fear of snakes. When he was 9 years old his older brother threw a snake into his sleeping bag while he was trying to get to sleep. In this case it seemed very reasonable to start our Emotional Freedom Technique/tapping with that memory.

There are other times when the reason we feel the way we feel might not have anything to do with the issue we are working on. We might have an issue speaking in front of a group of people and we are convinced that the reason we have this issue is because when we were 8 years old everyone laughed at us during show-and-tell, therefore speaking in public is no longer safe.

It is perfectly possible that this memory is the root (or one of the roots) to the reason why public speaking is so hard. If we put ourselves in a position to believe that it is the reason for the issue, then we are going to spend a great deal of time on this one memory and not make any progress with our issue because it has little or nothing to do with the issue at hand.

This brings us to my favorite phrase that my clients say. We will be working along at an issue. We will take a moment for them to take a deep breath and consider the progress so far. Out of nowhere my client will say, “I know this has nothing to do with it but . . . ” and they will share a story, memory, or feeling about someone else that up to this point may seem completely unrelated to what we are working on.

The reason I love this SO much is because there is a reason that this came up now. When we are focused, our mind doesn’t have a tendency to wander unless there is good reason. If my client says it has nothing to do with what is going on, more than likely it has everything to do with what is going on.

This does not mean that we need to abandon the path we had been following up to this point with the issue, and it does not mean that this new piece of information is the only piece of information that is important. It is just something that we need to pay attention to.

If you yourself or one of your clients are tapping on an issue and something comes up that seems to have nothing to do with the issue at hand, don’t dismiss it. Instead, take some time to thoughtfully consider why that sort of issue would come up. Just because it has come to mind doesn’t mean that it does in fact have something to do with the core issue that you are after, but there is a reason that it has come forward. If you don’t know why it has come to mind just ask, “Boy, that is an odd thought. Why did that come to mind right now? What does this have to do with the issue at hand?” You might be surprised at the healing you and/or your client will be able to find your way to.

Bonus Pod #16: Tapping With A Client On Mindless Eating – Sessions Audio

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One of the most powerful tools in my learning as a practitioner has been listening to other practitioners working with real clients on real issues. When I am working with a practitioner it is hard for me to follow the process because I am intensely engaged in the emotions around the issues at hand. Similarly, when I am working with a new tool I am so focused on what the client is saying and what I need to do next, that I can miss some of the process. When I am able to take a step back and just listen to someone else working, I am able to see what they are doing, and to start understanding why they are doing it.

In this unique audio you have the opportunity to hear me working one-on-one with a real client, and also to hear the reasons why I am making the choices I do. Every so often you will hear me break into the session to explain my thought process at that moment.

This audio is only the first 1/3 of the session. If I included the whole session the podcast would last almost 90 minutes.

Tapping Q & A Is Expanding It’s Offerings!!!

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photo by Jeremy Brooks

A number of you have commented on the subtle changes that have been happening at TappingQandA.com. I haven’t talked about them yet because I wanted to make sure I had worked out the kinks first.

Now it is ready!

I am adding some premium services to the site!

Does this mean that if I don’t become a member that I am going to see less free content at TappingQandA.com?

NO! This is simply an upgrade to the regular site. Every Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday a new article, tap-along audio, or podcast is going to show up on the site. As always there is no charge for any of these resources. Also, the entire archive of past articles and podcasts is there for you to check out. (Right now there are over 300 articles and podcasts available. By the end of 2011 there will be over 430 free resources on the site!)

If you are adding stuff, what stuff are you adding?

I am adding three services: tap-along, sessions, and premium.

Tap-Along Members will receive access to:

  • The ability to download a commercial-free version of the Monday Tap-Along audio. Non-members can only hear the audio in their web browser and there is a 60 second commercial that you must listen to before you can tap.
  • A printable transcript of the Monday Tap-Along.
  • A bonus downloadable tap-along audio on Thursdays (plus printable transcript). This is an audio that non-members can’t hear on the site.
  • Printable transcripts of podcast interviews.
  • One bonus podcast per month for members only.
  • Special members-only discounts for digital tools and one-on-one sessions.

Sessions Members will receive access to:

  • Each month sessions members will have access to two audios. The first audio is of me working one-on-one with a client. The second audio is the session a second time, but I interrupt the audio every few minutes to explain what I am thinking, what I am doing, and why I am doing it.

Premium Members will receive access to:

  • All audios and downloads from the Tap-Along Membership.
  • All audios from the Sessions Membership.

What is the deal with the Sessions Membership?

This is the part that I am most excited about! I have been working on this part of the membership since early in September. In my own training I have learned so much from watching others working with their own clients. Being able to take a step back and watch the process is such a great way to learn.

AND this isn’t just for practitioners. Much of the stuff I have learned by watching and listening to others work has been applied to the work I do on myself. This week’s podcast is a short example of this type of audio so you can hear first-hand what it is going to be like (Link below).

Are you going to offer transcripts for new podcasts only, or are there going to be transcripts for past podcasts as well?

Right now the plan is to eventually have every podcast in the archive transcribed. My team of transcribers are working their way backwards through the archived podcasts. Right now the transcripts for podcast 48, 49, 50, and 51 are up (and each is over 10 pages long). Each week, in addition to the transcripts to the new podcasts, we will be adding transcripts of archived podcasts.

Let’s get to the nitty-gritty…How much does it cost?

Both the Tap-Along and Sessions Memberships are only $7.95 a month.

The Premium Membership (Tap-Along + Sessions) is only $11.95 a month (which is a 25% discount off the combined prices).

How do I sign up?

Simple, just sign up here.

What if I have other questions that you didn’t answer here?

Just ask!

Round Up – What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?

That they are perfect the way they are. They are beings of light and love who have created their universe. Some of the things they created they have outgrown and so they no longer like creations. But that does not mean that they are broken. All it means is they have to put their attention on creating what they want their life to be like.
Chip Engelmann

That they are worthy. I get a lot of clients that come to me with a particular issue like wanting to go for a new career etc but it soon becomes apparent that they do not feel worthy of the things they desire (new career, love, happiness).
Mel

“I wish they would accept that they are the “story tellers” of their life and they establish the illusions and then place themselves into each story perfectly to learn a new lesson each time. If they could accept that, they could then tell different stories and learn different lessons which I believe would be more beneficial for them.”
Ted Robinson

That persistence is sometimes the key.
Alina Frank

One thing I wish they believed is that it’s OK to ask for help or use EFT yourself as a first resort instead of the last resort. I wish they believed that bucking up is being unnecessarily hard on themselves. In our culture, suffering is highly overrated!
Janet Hilts

That they understand the amazing resiliency of the human spirit. Having worked with hundreds of clients who have managed to function in daily life when they have experienced horrendous tragedy just blows me away – and I’m humbled to be able to help them experience emotional freedom from their past as a gift of the courage and strength they have already demonstrated.
Rod Sherwin

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

Is It Weird If I Say “Is it weird if I . . . ?”

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind, thereby giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]


photo by Hernán Kirsten

Sometimes the words we use to describe a problem do not prove to be helpful in the process of us getting what we really want or need. Here is a perfect example of asking the wrong question about our situation and how we can easily change the question to make a big difference.

When asking for advice, one of my clients, “Cathy” almost always starts off by querying, “Is it weird if . . . ?” For example:

  • Is it weird if I stop doing online dating?
  • Is it weird if I like to eat out alone?
  • Is it weird that I want to change jobs in such a tough economy?

The questions as listed above are about what is normal and what is not normal, AKA “weird.” The problem with these questions is that they set us up to become unnecessarily subject to how the world perceives our choices. In other words, these questions do not leave room for decision-making that is based on what is best for us.

Many times in my life I have done things that the world would see as weird (e.g., leaving full-time computer science, getting rid of everything I owned and living out of my car for 18 months, dying my hair blue). In most of these cases where I have done things that are not normal it has worked out for me.

I am not saying that we can simply ignore what the world thinks is normal. There is often some wisdom in normal. It is weird to eat glass for breakfast, drive the whole way to work in reverse, and listen to ABBA. However, whether something is normal or weird simply can’t be the only question being asked to see if something is right.

A much more useful way to start these questions is to ask, “Is it in my best interest in the short and long term for me to . . . ?”

Yes, that is a little wordy, but you get the idea. By reshaping the question we are now moving from what is culturally normative to something much more important, what is best for me.

The transformation looks something like this:

  • Is it weird if I stop doing online dating? If you want to find a mate yes. One in five relationships start online
  • Is it right for me stop doing online dating? Yes. I have given it an honest effort. It is just too much work right now and I am not meeting the type of person I want right now. Maybe it will be right for me in the future.
  • Is it weird if I like to eat out alone? Yes, eating out is about being with others. Eating out alone seems sad.
  • Is it right for me to eat out alone? Sure. I haven’t had time to shop this week, I love this restaurant, and I am an introvert and get energy from spending time with my own thoughts.
  • Is it weird that I want to change jobs in such a tough economy? Yes. You should be grateful for what you have. Others are struggling.
  • Is it right for me to want to change jobs in such a tough economy? Yes. Just because it is hard over all doesn’t mean that there isn’t something better out there for me. Wanting better for myself is not wanting worse for others.

Remember, it is not about what the world thinks, but about what is best for you.

FEAR! – Why It Exists (part 1 of 2)

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Where do I start with unbridled fear?


photo by Sasha Wolff

I recently asked the members of Tapping Q & A Facebook Group what topic I should spend some time writing about. The first response back was “Where do I start with unbridled fear?”

On the surface, that seems like such a simple question. I have found in my work with clients that on some level fear is one of the two most common problems that lie at the root of most other issues. With that being said, it is such a powerful emotion it makes it very hard to work with.

When we are tapping we are very much in our conscious mind. We are making choices about what to tune-in to and how to approach it with tapping phrases.

Fear is just the opposite of everything that is rational and conscious. Fear is the most primitive of all feelings. It is the fight or flight instinct that has kept all creatures great and small alive over the eons.

Because fear is so basic and primal it is very hard to get out of the emotion in order to access our ability to tap on it.

[Side note: Because fear is such a powerful emotion it is really helpful when dealing with any issue that is rooted in fear to seek outside help from a trained professional. It can be very difficult to work on an issue when we are so deep in the emotion. At least this is true for me.]

We are going to look at fear in two parts. First, we are going to look at the nature of fear, why it exists, and how this understanding can be the first step to finding our way to relief. Second, we are going to look at 4 Questions we can ask that will help us to deal with fear.

Why We Feel Fear, Why Fear Is Good, & Why We Don’t Want To Get Rid Of It
As I stated above, fear is a very natural and primal feeling. The job of fear is to keep us safe. The very primitive sense of fear was and is about keeping us physically safe from predators. As we have evolved our ability to feel fear has evolved as well.

Fear now moves to keep us safe from anything that is perceived as a danger. Not only does it try to move me from the harm of an escaped lion and the danger of an oncoming car but it also moves to keep us safe from the possibility that we might look foolish when we get up to speak in front of the whole office staff.

When we experience fear, our system is just saying “Look OUT! Here comes danger!”

There are two important characteristic of fear. First, it is the information that we are going to hear over every other piece of information. It is much like if you are sitting in a coffee shop talking to a friend and someone from the street comes in screaming. No matter how hard you try to concentrate on what your friend is saying you are going to only hear the person screaming.

This is really good, because the last thing you want to do is miss the danger signal. When I am standing in the middle of the street and a car is about the hit me I don’t want to think, “Ohhhh. A 1962 Mustang. I love Mustangs.” Instead you want to think, “MOVE!!!!!!”

The second characteristic of fear is the fact that it will persistently keep speaking-up until it believes the danger is gone. So it doesn’t say: “Look OUT! Here comes danger!” Instead it says: “Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! Look OUT! Here comes danger! . . . “

This is a really good thing as well. The last thing we want to think as we are about to be hit by a car is, “Look out! There is a car! Move! . . . Hey look at that squirrel.”

It is good that we hear the danger signal over all other pieces of information and it is good that the signal is persistent to make sure we are responding to the danger. But we can quickly see how each of these characteristics can cause us issues.

With the first characteristic it can become problematic when the system is letting us know about something that isn’t a real danger to us, a small mouse for example. If the system is over-riding all other information with a danger signal pertaining to something that isn’t actually dangerous, then we are going to either be stuck and unable to act (i.e., paralyzed), or, we are going to over-react out of fear and most likely make the situation worse.

With the second characteristic it is possible that our system is pointing out a perceived danger over and over again that isn’t a reality in this moment. For example, I might be worried about something that I am worried is going to happen at work tomorrow. If my system is saying over and over again, “Don’t look like a fool. Don’t look like a fool. Don’t look like a fool. Don’t look like a fool. Don’t look like a fool . . .” then it is going to cripple me in this moment.

When we are doing EFT/tapping we are trying to move to a place where the fear is functioning in a way that is helpful.

The Goal Is Proportional Fear
I am asked all the time by beginning tappers, “If I keep tapping am I going to make it so I can’t feel any emotion?”

The answer is an emphatic “NO!”

When we are tapping we are not removing our ability to feel emotion. What we are doing is getting our emotions to work in a more functional and useful way. For example, when we are tapping on the fear of mice we are not stopping our ability to feel fear, but instead we are stopping our system from perceiving the mouse as dangerous.

The goal of our tapping when it comes to fear is to make sure we are only feeling fear in situations that we actually need to be aware of a real danger and to make sure that we are only feeling the level of fear that is proportional to what is going on.

Tapping In Recognition Of The Fear
Now that we see that fear in itself isn’t bad, but is actually motivated to help us, we can use this information to start to create relief.

It is very easy for us to be frustrated with ourselves and our emotions. When we get to the point that we want to tap on an emotion like fear it is obvious we are not happy with how we are experiencing the moment. If we are frustrated with the way that fear makes us feel (“I hate the fact I am feeling fear!”) it is very difficult for us to be able to understand what the real issue is that needs to be tapped on, and it makes it almost impossible for us to tap it away.

If we are able to move away from this level of frustration with how we are feeling in this moment, it going to clear some space so that we can work our way to the core of the issue. One of the ways we can do this is by simply acknowledging the emotion and why we are experiencing it.

The way that we do this with fear is by acknowledging the reason the fear exists. As we already have seen, fear exists because it is trying to protect us. When we are able to let the fear know that we understand that it is trying to keep us safe and/or point out some danger, then the fear has done some of its job and it will decrease.

For this example let’s pretend we need to make a difficult phone call and we feel paralyzed and just can’t do it. To begin with we would tap like this:

Right now I am feeling a great deal of fear about making this call . . . the reason I am feeling this fear is because there is a part of me that feels it is not safe for me to make this call . . . there is a part of me that is worried that I might say something silly . . . or that I might hear something that I don’t want to hear . . . or it could be something else that is bad . . . I am glad that there is a part of me that is looking out for me . . . even if it is working way too hard right now . . . even if there isn’t any real danger . . . it takes a lot of energy to be scared . . . and I am glad that my system is willing to work so hard to keep me safe . . . I know there is no real physical danger in making this call . . . and I think the part of me that is worried about this call . . . and what might at work is worrying about something that isn’t really dangerous . . . I let the fear know that it is heard . . . I know it wants me to be careful . . . I know it wants me to be safe . . . I just want the fear to know that I have heard it loud and clear . . . It wants me to be careful and I am going to be careful for that reason . . . I want the fear to know it has done it’s job . . . it has pointed out the danger it perceives . . . therefore the fear can move on . . . it can come back when it is needed again . . . but for the moment it has done what it needs to.

It is amazing how much progress we can make with a simple tapping pattern like this. This works for any emotion. The emotion is just trying to get our attention. By letting it know it has done what it has set out to do, it is going to lose some of its charge.

For many emotions this is going to be enough and we are going to be done tapping. This is normally just the first step when working to reduce fear. By tapping in this way we are going to calm the fear down, but more than likely we are not going to have gotten rid of all of it AND there is still the issue of dealing with why the fear was there in the first place.

Once we have calmed the fear down a bit it is going to allow us to see more clearly the root of the fear, allowing us to knock that out in order to prevent the triggering of the same over-reacting fear in the future.

In part two of this article we are going to look at 4 simple questions we can ask ourselves that will help us get to the root of the fear and which will help us in cleaning out that root. We will also look at the 4 questions we can ask the fear to help us to transform it so that it will work for us in a helpful way.

Pod #51: Money and Financial Success w/ Margaret M. Lynch

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There are few things more emotionally charged than money. Often one of the reasons we talk in terms of abundance and success is because we don’t even want to say “I want money” or “I want cash” out loud. In this pragmatic interview with Margaret Lynch shares the four areas of money that we can tune into and start clearing issues right away.


Margaret M. Lynch

Guest: Margaret M. Lynch

Contact Info: MargaretMLynch.com

Bio: The Wall Street Journal Calls her “The Wealth Manifestation Authority”! Margaret M. Lynch has x-ray vision for seeing the fears and limiting beliefs that keep success minded people limited in their money and personal power. An accomplished Success Coach, bestselling author and top Emotional Freedom Technique (“Tapping”) expert , Margaret delivers high-impact transformation that clears the inner blocks to wealth and success and creates the “on-fire enthusiasm and charisma” that is key to skyrocketing wealth.

From Episode:

Round Up – If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

I would have liked to reach the understanding that lack of money is a symptom of something else sooner rather than later. I spent a lot of time and money trying to make more money when instead it would have been to understand what money meant to me and what the lack of it was protecting me from.
Rod Sherwin

“I’d start much earlier. My journey started because I became very ill and couldn’t breathe. To this day, it has never been successfully diagnosed, however, I have come to believe it’s emotionally based.

Thankfully, it led me into a spiritual journey that is ongoing to this day. It is that spiritual journey that changed my life dramatically and profoundly. I now use what I’ve learned over two decades to help others in their healing journey and it seems to work quite well.”
Ted Robinson

Not a thing, I’m content with the process.
Pamela Bruner

All the steps I took were necessary. I’m not sure there could have been a better way. I can say that many times during this process, I might have disagreed with that statement.
Chip Engelmann

Get help! I did it all alone, but it wasn’t until I became a qualified practitioner that I realized it is better to work with someone else for the big stuff. For example don’t try to sort out your phobia or a past trauma alone. It’s not worth it, you could bite off more than you can chew AND it will probably take months for you do to it alone when it could be sorted in a couple of sessions by a qualified practitioner.

Mel

NOTHING…I had to bite the dust of my own pride and prejudice before I could see the path that I am on right now. I do not think that it would have been possible any other way. I would not change a thing.
Till Schilling

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

Doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/Tapping with a Loved One

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I’ve always known that to practice Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) with our loved ones may be more difficult than to do it with others. I realize that probably the main reason is that one cannot get him/herself out of the way, as personal feelings/emotions energetically block EFT action. Could you please comment on specific methods of working with loved ones?

photo by freeparking

This is a very insightful question. Many times our loved ones are the ones we want to share EFT/tapping with the most, but it can be very hard to work with people we have a great deal of history and emotional investment with.

However, just because it can be harder doesn’t mean it is impossible. Here are a few things to keep in mind when working with loved ones while doing EFT/tapping.

Knowing It Can Be Tricky
The first step in doing work with a loved one is to understand that it can be tricky. I am not saying that every time we tap with someone who is close to us it is going to be hard. For example, if we are tapping on a physical pain it is normally going to be very straightforward. This is also true for many emotional issues as well. Tapping on something like a fear of public speaking or mice shouldn’t cause much trouble either. When it can be difficult is when we have a personal stake in the healing, when we have specific beliefs about how our loved one should change, and/or we know the other people involved in the situation.

Whenever we go into a situation where we know the possible pit falls we are more likely to deal with it in a proper manner. When we are tapping with loved ones, if we are aware of the possible pitfalls then we are going to do a better job.

When we are tapping with a loved one, it can be hard for both the person we are tapping with as well as hard for us.

Why it can be hard for them
First, it can be hard to be open and honest with a loved one. We want the people who love us the most to think the best about ourselves. It can be hard to open up about our weaknesses to people who are close to us because we are afraid they are going to judge us (on the surface this seems silly. Our loved ones should be the ones we can be most honest with, but this fear is very real). Because of this fear our loved ones might not share what is really going on. Because of this it is going to make it hard to be successful because we are not working with the real issue.

Second, as a continuation of the first fear, often times where we are tapping we can be surprised by the information that comes forward. I see this all the time with my clients. We start by tapping something as simple as a craving for chocolate and end up working with the fact they are feeling disconnected from their grown children. When this happens we can end up in a place where our loved one no longer feels safe. When we started they were gung-ho, but now it no longer feels safe and they shut down, making it hard for us to continue the work.

The best way to deal with the fact it might be hard for them is to be open and honest with them during the tapping and to name the possible problems. Explain to them that it is often hard to work with someone who is so close, but there are going to be a number of things you are going to do to make it easier for them (which will be discussed below). Also give them permission to stop at any point where they are feeling uncomfortable.

Why it can be hard for us working with them
Often it can be difficult for us to work with loved ones because of history and knowledge. When I am working with a new client I have a completely clean slate. I don’t know any of the actors involved in the client’s situation. Because of this I am able to meet and work with a client exactly where they are. This is really hard to do with a loved one because I am bringing all of my own assumptions and perceptions to the situation.

For example, I know my friend David’s propensity to overreact to the criticism he receives from his coworkers. When tapping with David about his bad day at work it is very easy to just jump to tapping on “I know I am over-reacting to what everyone else is saying.”

We might get to tapping phrases like that rather quickly, but that is only valuable if and/or when he is ready for that. He first needs to get through the emotions of feeling judged before he can deal with his reaction.

When working with clients I am always striving to meet them where they are in the situation. I need to try doubly hard with loved ones because in many ways I know where we are going (or I think I know).

By keeping this in mind as you go into the tapping you are going to be in a better place to stay personally and emotionally detached.

They don’t have to say everything out loud
One of the really nice things about the tapping protocols is the fact that the practitioner doesn’t need to know any of the details of what the client is working on for progress to happen. Sometimes it makes guiding the client easier when we know the details, but it is never a requirement. For tapping to work, the client simply needs to be focused on what is going on (i.e., the “problem”) while tapping.

There are varying degrees regarding how much our loved one may need to share out loud. One of the most basic levels is when we have them tune-in to the issue they are feeling and tap without saying anything about the emotion at all. In this case I would have my loved one tune-in to the emotion at hand. I would say something like, “I want you to name the emotion you are feeling and rate it 0-10 in intensity. Just let me know when you have done this.” I would then have them tap on “this emotion . . . this emotion . . .” I would then repeat the process checking to see if the emotion is still the same emotion that we started with and what its intensity level currently is at on the SUDs scale.

The next level of sharing can be when the loved one feels comfortable sharing the emotion, but they don’t want to share the details of the situation. It can look as simple as having our loved one name the emotion they feel (let’s say anger) and rate it on the SUDs scale and then have them tap on “This anger . . . this anger . . . this anger . . . ” After doing a few rounds of tapping check to see if the emotion is still anger or if it has morphed into frustration. Have them rate it on the SUDs scale again and tap some more.

In addition to tapping on the specific emotion, we can have them share why they feel this emotion without sharing too many specifics. For example, if they are angry we can ask, “Angry – why?” “Because I feel betrayed!” This would then allow us to tap on, “I feel angry because I was betrayed . . . ” We could also ask, “Why does it feel so bad to be betrayed in this situation?” “Because I thought I could trust them with something this important.”

You can see how we can ask questions about describing what is going on without getting in to any specific details that might be uncomfortable because of our closeness to them and the situation.

Finally, we can also have them share all details except who is involved. They might feel comfortable sharing the details about what happened, but are not comfortable sharing who is involved. For example, they might feel very hurt because someone is gossiping about them, but because we also know the person who is the gossip they don’t want to share who it is. In cases like this we can just have them change the name to something like the letter X.

The tapping might look like, “I feel really hurt because X has been talking behind my back . . . I can’t believe that X wouldn’t bring the issue to me . . . ”

I find it really helpful (even with my clients whom I do not know personally) to just let them know that it is possible for tapping to work without having to share many of the details that are going on. By letting them know it is OK to not share details, it puts them more at ease and makes progress easier.

Work with the kinesthetic not the emotional
Sometimes it is really hard to talk about how we feel. This isn’t just the case when working with loved ones, but it is true for any client. As we talked about above, it can be particularly true when working with loved ones. I have found that instead of working with the emotions we can be just as successful working with the physical/kinesthetic feelings that go with the emotions.

Let’s again use anger as an example. I would have my loved one describe the physical sensation of anger. “Is it heat in the face, tight chest, clenched fists, or something else?” After they explain how it feels physically, then we tap on that. When we relieve the physical sensation associated with the emotion, we are doing work on the emotion as well.

After doing a few rounds of tapping on the physical sensation, I would check to see if the emotion is still anger or if it is something else. After having them name the emotion I would now have them describe how it feels in the body. We would then tap on this.

By taking this approach we do not need to know any of the specifics.

Don’t assume you know why something is the way it is (ask more questions than normal)
The most important tool I have when working with clients is the ability to ask questions. When I ask questions I get my client to describe things in their own words. This not only gives me greater understanding, but it also gives me phrases and words to tap on. Because they are the client’s words I know they are going to resonate with them and bring healing more quickly.

Asking questions is even more important when we are working with loved ones because we know them and we are already familiar with the history of the issue(s) we are tapping on, and so if we do not ask questions our preconceived notions about why things are the way they are will tend to get in the way. I have found it is best to ask even more questions when working with loved ones. I even ask questions to which I think the answer is obvious. By doing this I am going to insure I am truly understanding where my loved one is coming from. The more they describe, the less of me that is going to be getting in the way of the tapping.

It’s OK if you are not the right person
The last thing to keep in mind is it is OK if you are not the person that works with them. Sometimes we are just too close to a loved one and to what is going on in their life to be helpful. If you are too close, admit it. Let your loved one know that tapping is a great tool that would help them and then direct them to resources and practitioners you trust. This will enable you to be the loving friend without also having to be the one who is responsible for leading the healing. Sometimes we really can’t be both. That is OK!

How To End A Session Part 2 – Stating Insight

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photo by jinjian liang

In “How to End a Tapping Session” I shared a tapping pattern I use at the end of an Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) session that helps the healing process to continue throughout the day.

In addition to setting up the body’s energy system to continue the healing process throughout the day, it also is very helpful to restate all that we learned and achieved during this tapping session.

When we are tapping we are engrossed in the process. We are tuning-in to the emotions and memories that are coming up and we trust ourselves to come up with the right phrases and images. I know that when I am in the middle of tapping for myself that I am not fully consciously aware of everything I am thinking and saying.

I have found it very helpful at the end of a session to take a few moments to consider what I have learned (or relearned) during the session. I have found this is a great way to reinforce the work and sometimes I find affirmations that I can use to tap on at a later date.

The process is very simple. I keep tapping and I have myself finish these three statements.

During this tapping session I learned the following about myself. . .

During this tapping session I learned the following about my system . . .

During this tapping session I learned the following about my relationships . . .

I use each of the phrases three or four times each. Each time I come up with a new insight. Sometimes the insights come right away. Other times I need to pause for a few moments for my thoughts to come together.

It only takes a minute or two and it can make a big difference in helping the changes and benefits from one tapping session have a more lasting effect, and you will be surprised with the wisdom you have uncovered during the session.