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Archives for September 2010

People Who Suck Us Emotionally Dry

September 28, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 8 Comments

There are people in my life who seem to always suck me emotionally dry. They either take all my energy or dump all their troubles on me. How do I prevent this from happing?


photo by Joriel “Joz” Jimenez

One of the things that I love about this question is the fact they used the phrase “suck me emotionally dry”. I have always referred to these type people as emotional vampires.

I love the term “emotional vampire” because the moment I use it my clients always get this wry smile. They know exactly what I am talking about.

In this article we are going to look at many different types of emotional vampires as well as what we can do to keep ourselves healthy in the face of emotional vampires.

The Naming of Vampires
This article is not a criticism of emotional vampires. I am not saying they are horrible people, mean people, or even people who are conscious of how their behavior affects other people.

We act the way we do for a number of reasons.

Emotional vampires are no different.

This article is not meant to give you fuel to be even more frustrated with the people in your life. Instead, the goal of this article is to help you to recognize the environment you are in, the people who share this environment with you, how they can effect you, and how you can navigate it in a safe way while continuing to grow and heal.

It is important for us to be able to name the emotional vampires in our lives. This is not an exercise of judgment (thought it can quickly become one). This is not an exercise meant to dwell on the negative (though it can quickly become one).

One of my main goals as a practitioner is to help my clients to become conscious observers of their own lives. When we become observers of our own lives we notice the things that push our buttons and the places that we over react. With this simple knowledge we can make radical changes to our lives. We see the problems as they come and we are able to either avoid the problem or nip it in the bud.

Much in the same way we plan our day by looking at the weather report or the traffic report we can prepare ourselves for our day by notices the experiences and people who can suck us dry.

To make sure we are entering this with the right point of view let’s do a little tapping. (And yes, I want you to tap on this before you read the next section!)

It is important that I examine my life…It is important that I recognize the things in my daily life that affect my mood and my disposition…I choose to know that there are lots of reasons why people act the way the do…sometime they act because they are afraid…sometime they act because they are worried…sometime they act because they are hopeless…sometimes they act because they are lost…sometimes they act because they are overwhelmed…sometimes they act because they don’ know what to do…the people I interact must take responsibility for their choices and their mood…but I choose not to judge them…it is important to understand how they effect me…it is important to know how I allow they to affect me…I am doing this exercise to make sure I am healthy and safe…I am not doing to this judge others…even if that is my natural disposition…I know that when I judge others it is because I am worried…afraid…or insecure…this is an opportunity to also do a little work on the places I would like to heal in my own life.

Types of Vampires
None of the descriptions listed here are going to be a surprise to you. In many cases you are going to be thinking of how this affects you before I get into my description. Again, the first goal is to be able to name what is affecting us. When we name it we can respond to it. Here are just a few.

    Drama Shark
    Drama Sharks are so named because of the myth that if a shark stops moving it will die. Drama Sharks will die if they are not in the middle of some type of drama somewhere. It could be drama at work, with friends, with family, or something in the news. They are constantly in the middle of something that is getting them bent out of shape. They can’t stop talking about it and they are always trying to draw everyone around them into the feeding frenzy.

    Dump Truck
    Dump Trucks take their emotional baggage and unload it on everyone around them. They don’t ask permission and they often have no sense of when it is appropriate to talk about emotional issues. At a moments notice they are unloading. Often times Dump Trucks feel much better in the short term because they have unloaded everything on those around them.

    Chicken Little
    We all know the common refrain of Chicken Little: “The sky is falling!” Chicken Little sees danger in every moment and around every corner. The sense of pending doom is not limited to their own life, but often times to everyone else around them as well. They often over react and almost never have solutions. They just point out what they think is wrong and this is not limited to their own lives. They are more than willing to point out what went wrong, what is going wrong, and what will go wrong in everyone else life.

    Sandbag
    A Sandbag is very much like a Chicken Little, but instead of pointing out what is wrong the Sandbag drags your dreams down by telling you all the things that can’t happen. They might not know what is possible, but they certainly know what is impossible, why it is impossible, and what horrible things are going to happen if you try.

    Black Hole
    The Black Hole sucks every bit of life and joy out of any room they enter. Sometime they do this with what they say, sometimes they do it with a simple phrase, and other times their simple presents is enough to suck the joy out of the room.

This is not a compressive list by any means (add your favorite or least favorites below!), but it is a good start. Once we are able to recognize who the emotional vampires are in our lives and how they affect us then we can respond.

Before We Encounter Emotional Vampires
One of the easiest things we can do to keep ourselves healthy to simply be aware of what we are about to get ourselves into. You don’t know everything that is going to happen over the course of a day, but you have a very good idea. There are emotional vampires that we interact with regularly. When we know it is coming we can do something about it.

Here is a sample tapping patter for a day when we know we are going to encounter a Drama Shark.

I know today I am going to spend time with [insert name of drama shark]…for some reason they are always in the middle of someone’s business…it is as if they feed on the emotion and drama of those around them…it seems to drive them and feed them…because of their energy for the drama it is very easy to get sucked into what they are doing and talking about…just because they are so involved in the drama doesn’t mean that I have to be…I can choose to ignore it…I can choose to change the topic…I can choose to excuse myself when the Drama Shark get going…just because there is drama…it doesn’t mean that I have to be involved in it.

I know that tapping patter looks very simple, but just by taking 60 seconds to tap on something like that it will make a huge difference.

During Encounters With Emotional Vampires
There are two simple things you can do to take care of yourself when you are encountering an emotional vampire.

The first thing you can do is to be very conscious of what is happening and how it is affecting you in the moment. Like a said before, when we become observers of our own lives we quickly recognize what we have control over and what we don’t.

When you realize you are encountering an emotional vampire you can name the type of vampire you are interacting with and name how this type of vampire normally sucks you dry. When you do this you can choose to not to be caught up in what is going on.

It is very important to be in a place where you are just naming what is happening. By this I mean you are stating the facts of what they are doing and how it is affecting you.

This could be just thoughts that are going through your head or it could be something you tap on:

Right now my co-worker is acting like a sand bag…For some reason, he is pointing out every possible thing that could go wrong with the new project…He is over stating what could go wrong and he isn’t seeing anything that could right…I choose not to get caught up in his negativity.

You will notice that nowhere in this patter are we writing motive for why the person is acting like a Sandbag, nor are we saying the choices they are making are bad choices. We are simply stating what is.

When we get caught up in blame and judgment we are giving our control over to someone else and that exactly what we are trying to avoid.

The second thing we can do in the moment is to recognize that it is too bad for the emotional vampire that they are acting like an emotional vampire. This is not an act of pity, but more of a recognition why things might be the way they are. By doing this it is going to make it easier to not blame or judge the acts of an emotional vampire.

Again, this can just be thought or tapped on:

I am not sure why my co-worker is acting like an emotional vampire…they might be afraid of something…they might be worried about repeating a past poor choice…they might not know they can choose another way…I don’t have to be sucked into the life of an emotional vampire…to be able to see there are many reasons for them acting the way they act.

This simple act of recognizing the possibilities of why they are acting the way they are going to free us from lots of negative emotions making it hard for us to choose the act the way we want to act.

After We Encounter Emotional Vampires
There are two things we can do after we have encountered an emotional vampire.

First, we can tap on what just happened.

Here is a sample tapping patter for being around a Black Hole:

I can’t believe how negative [insert name of Black Hole] is…it is so hard to be positive when I am around them…for some reason they just seem to suck the joy out of the room…I have no idea why they are this way…I wish they weren’t this way because it is hard on me and other…but I am sure it is even harder on them…it must be a good feeling to be in that place all of the time…maybe they don’t realize that they don’t have to choose to be that way…maybe they have forgotten what it is like to feel joyful…I choose to know that even though they are in that space that I don’t have to be in that space…I choose to know that I have access to the light, life, and joy that was just sucked out of me…I can choose where I want to be emotionally…I choose to be in the place of light…I choose to be in the place of love…I choose to be in the place of joy.

Again, this doesn’t look very complicated (because it is not), but it is very powerful. If you take 60 seconds to tap on something like this right after you have encountered an emotional vampire you will make sure the experience doesn’t touch the rest of your day. By doing this you are prevent this one moment from cascading into something bigger.

Second, you can spend sometime tapping for the emotional vampires in your life. I am not saying that you need to tap to change them because you know what is best. What I am suggesting is that you tap for the relationships you have with the emotional vampires you have in your life. When you do this you are going to be able to produce the most profound change because you are changing what you have the most control over. You are changing your part of the relationship.

For more information about this type of tapping and some guidance on how to do it check out the free audio: It’s Not Surrogate But It Helps Others To Make Different Choices

They Don’t Have To Suck You Dry
Just because there are emotional vampires out there doesn’t mean you have to let them affect you in the moment or after the fact. With a little awareness, preparation, and care after the fact you can insure that you continue to be safe and healthy.

I would love to hear what other types of emotional vampires you encounter in your daily life. Please add your emotional vampires in the comment section below.

[Note: Some people are more susceptible to emotional vampires than others. If you recognize that this is something you deal with daily I would encourage you to check out the resources on sensitive temperaments.]

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Emotions, Family, Others, Tap Along, Work

Pod #42: Carrying Burdens For Others and Generational Work

September 22, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

Carrying an emotional burden for someone else is a very high act of love, but it can have consequences for our own emotions and health. In this episode we look at how and why we carry burdens for others and past generations, and how we can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to release these burdens.

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: Burden, Generational, Others, Premium Member, Tap, TapAlong Member

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 1 Negative Emotions

September 20, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment


photo by swissrolli

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue the faster we are going to find relief. Sometime we think we are being specific when we really aren’t as specific as we can be.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any give point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry=I need space” and “angry =I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of negative emotions created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe your emotions. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin’s blog for pointing out this resource.]

AFRAID
apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried

ANNOYED
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked

ANGRY
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful

AVERSION
animosity
appalled
contempt
disgusted
dislike
hate
horrified
hostile
repulsed

CONFUSED
ambivalent
baffled
bewildered
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn

DISCONNECTED
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn

DISQUIET
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unnerved
unsettled
upset

EMBARRASSED
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious

FATIGUE
beat
burnt out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out

PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful

SAD
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched

TENSE
anxious
cranky
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out

VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky

YEARNING
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

Filed Under: Tools Tagged With: Emotions, The Center For Nonviolent Communication

Toa Te Ching/Doa De Jing as a tapping tool?

September 15, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

photo by Bill Anderson

The Toa Te Ching (wikipedia) is one of the few books that I will always own. It is not a book a spend time with daily or weekly for that matter. But from time to time it has been a bedrock of peace in my life.

The Toa Te Ching is an ancient Chinese text that is a collection of 81 short passages. As wikipedia rightly states, “The passages are ambiguous, and topics range from political advice for rulers to practical wisdom for people.”

Some passages are insightful, others are profound, and still others will leave you just scratching your head in bafflement.

The topic of the Toa Te Ching came up during a client session recently. The types of issues we were tapping(EFT) on reminded me of many passages. After the session I dug out my dog-eared and tattered copy. I was amazed at how much peace it brought to tap along to the passages.

Give a try. Just move from tapping point to tapping point while reading aloud.

Just in a quick glance here are some of my favorite passages:

[Note: All experts are from “A New English Version: Toa Te Ching” By Stephen Mitchell]

8
…
When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

9
Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and if will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

27
A good traveler has no fixed plans
and is not intent upon arriving.
A good artist lets his intuition
lead him wherever it wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
and keeps his mind open to what is.

Thus the Master is available to all people
and doesn’t reject anyone.
He is ready to be use all situations
and doesn’t waste anything.
This is called embodying the light.

….

44
Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success or failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to other for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy win yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way thing are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.

This type tapping isn’t for everyone. This type of tapping isn’t for everyday. I just know some days this type of tapping is the just the thing I need to feel grounded. There are many free translation of the Tao Te Ching on-line.

If you do try this please add the passages that you found helpful in your tapping below in the comments.

Filed Under: Tools Tagged With: Phrases, Poem, Spiritual

Taking Care Of Yourself As A Practitioner

September 13, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

Gene, I always read your materials with interest and would appreciate your comment concerning energy protection. I have two questions.

First, I understand, before a practitioner starts treating clients he/she can create a protective energy layer around himself. How does this affect a practitioner as they connect with a client to muscle test or tune into what the client is experiencing? Won’t this type of protection prevent the practitioner from doing their work?

Second, I understand one can “cut he cord” of energy between a practitioner and client, to stop the energy from flowing between them after the treatment. What about the energies that the practitioner has already “caught” over the course of the session?


photo by Łukasz Strachanowski

These are two really great questions. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Before A Session
At the start of the day and before every session I do a number of things to take care of my heath and well-being. One of the steps I always take is much like what is described in the question, but when I do it I do it a little differently. I don’t just create a force field around myself to keep myself safe. Instead I create a filter with the intention “to only let through the energy and information that is helpful and healthy to me.”

At one point in my practice I wouldn’t have been able to take a step like this. I would have been worried “that by keeping out some of the information that I wouldn’t be able to help my clients” and “it would be unfair to my client to keep out that information”.

As I have matured as a practitioner I have come to realize that it is not my job to “fix” everyone. It is not even my job to “fix” anyone. My job as practitioner is to use my expertise, experience, and emotional detachment from my client’s situation to provide guidance as they walk down a healing path.

Coming to this realization has helped me to understand that not only am I NOT responsible for my client’s healing (they are), but I am also not the right practitioner for every client. There are clients who are not health for me to work with, there are clients I am not the right person to help them, and there are clients who are not looking for help in healing, but instead are just looking for someone to validate their wounded identity.

If my willingness to make a choice to protect myself from energy and information that is harmful to me is going to prevent me from helping a client down a healing path than I am not the right practitioner for that client. Not only is it important that I do no harm to my clients, but it just as important that I do no harm to myself.

It took me a while before I could admit that I was not the right practitioner for every client. Now it is a very liberating knowing when I take care of myself and refer out the clients that are not a good fit that I am taking care of my clients and myself.

After A Session
After a session and at the end of the day I have a similar set of steps I go through to take care of myself.

First, I do what was recommended in the questions. At one point I would recommend to practitioners that they “cut the cord”. I have found that some people find this image too violent. If you are not comfortable cutting the cord you can also do what I, which is to unplug. When I do this I think about the old telephone operators who connected and disconnected calls with a series of wires.

When I do this I reach to my chest and pantomime pulling out the cord. This is less violent then cutting and it gives the sense that when I want to reconnect in the future with the client I can just plug back in.

Second, depending on the nature of the client, the number of clients I have worked with, and my general state of well being I do a number of things to clean up any extra emotion that I have picked up from my client. Here are is a short list of some of the things I do:

  • Shake my hands over an imaginary ceramic pot of poison, shaking off any and all excess that I have picked up durring the conversation.
  • Tap on the fact that it is a very high act of love to pick up burdens for another person, but is a higher act of love to let them go (which is not the same as giving them back). As I continue to tap I visualize letting go and releasing these burdens.
  • Going for a walk or jog in area with lots of trees. (the air is much cleaner than on city street)
  • Taking a salt bath (the ions are great a breaking up energy>

I would love to hear you take care of yourself before and after a session. Please add your routine to the comment section below.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Energy Hygiene, Practitioner, Sessions

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GeneMonterastelliGene Monterastelli is a Brooklyn based EFT practitioner who in addition to work with clients and groups regularly writes and records about how to use the tapping to move from self-sabotage to productive action.
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