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Archives for April 2011

When You Can’t Feel Any Emotion AND When Loved Ones Give Us Limiting Beliefs

April 27, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment


photo by Steven Depolo

I am looking for help with emotions. I have seen and looked at a couple of specific emotions (anger, depression, etc.), but my problem is that mine are completely blocked off…I feel NONE. The root cause is from my father telling me as a child that men do not display emotions (cry or laugh were his actual words) and any time I gave any type of an emotional display I was punished…what I am looking for is some help clearing this block. What can I do?

This is a very common problem. Many people have been taught that emotions are bad or a sign of weakness. There are a few ways you can deal with this type of problem.

1) Start With The Emotions That You Feel About Not Feeling Emotions
When we seek to feel emotions and notice something is lacking then there must be an emotional charge of some sort. The feeling of not feeling emotions or not being allowed can create anger, disappointment, feeling like a failure, or frustration. This is a great place to start because you are feeling something here. By clearing some of the charge you feel about the situation you are going to open yourself to being able to deal with the situation itself. Tapping for this might look like:

Right now I feel very frustrated that I can’t feel emotions like everyone else…I know that emotions can be overwhelming…but emotions are also a great way for our system to give us information about ourselves and the world…the fact that I feel frustrated about not feeling emotions is a good thing…this frustration is rooted in the fact that I would like to experience more in the world…even though I can’t do that right now…the fact that there is a part of me that wants to do this and is willing to feel frustrated is a good thing…the frustration has done its job…I now see that I want to feel emotion and the frustration has done it’s job in pointing out what I would like to see different about myself and my experience…

Tapping in this fashion should take the edge off the situation and will help you to see things more clearly.

2) Point/Counter Point
Often times we know rationally the truth about a situation even if our emotional self doesn’t. In this case the rational self knows that it is okay (and even healthy) to feel emotions while the emotional self feels that it is unsafe. When this happens I find it very useful to tap on what both parts believe. To do this all you need to do is first make a list of all the emotional beliefs you have about the situation.

  • Emotions are a sign of weakness.
  • Only girls feels emotions
  • Real men don’t cry
  • People will think less of me if I show emotion

After you come up with this list create a list of counter points that you rationally know to be true.

  • Emotions are just a way the system communicates a truth that we understand.
  • Everyone should feel emotions.
  • It is ok for anyone, even men, to laugh or cry
  • Some people are going to respect me because I feel emotions, because they see I can feel deeply and understand them.

When doing this strive to come up with three or four counter points for each of the items on the first list. Once you have the two lists you can use them for tapping phrases. “Even though a part of my system believes that emotions are a sign of weakness I want my whole system and whole self to know that emotions are just a way the system communicates a truth about how I see the world in this moment.”

Work your way through the list a number of times.

3) When A Loved One Gives Us A Belief
There are many beliefs we have about the world that have been given to us by loved ones. Some of them are given to us in very direct ways in the words they use (like when a parent tells us “Real men don’t show emotion.”) Other times we get these beliefs in subtle ways (like when someone we love is afraid of bees, therefore we become afraid of bees).

When we take on beliefs about the world from loved ones there is a part of us that can feel like it is turning its back on our loved one when we give up the belief they have given us. In other words, by rejecting the belief we are rejecting them. This can be so powerful that we will cling to destructive beliefs to keep ourselves in the good graces of a loved one. This can be true even after they are dead.

When this happens we can tap on something like this:

My father told me that real men don’t show emotions…that I would be seen as weak…that I would be seen as a fool…I now know that this is not true…that my emotions are healthy and are a good thing to feel…there is a part of me that is worried that if I let go of the things that my father believes that I am also letting go of my father…it might feel like I am turning my back on my father…it might feel like I am saying my father is wrong…my father grew up in a different time…people saw the world in a different way…they didn’t understand emotions the way we understand them today…my father was not perfect…like I am not perfect…it would be wonderful if my father only passed along true lessons to me…but that is not the case…it is possible for me to learn new things and not reject my father and my past…it is possible for me to change and not reject my father…my father did the job he did as a father…it was far from perfect…but that is what it is…now I can move forward…I can transform…and still respect my past…I don’t have to hold onto all things old to appreciate where I came from…I give myself permission to move forward…I give myself permission to grow…and I know that I am not letting others in my past down…even as I grow past the lessons they have given me…I don’t have to let them go.

If you take these three steps you will be well on your way to opening yourself up to feeling emotions.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Emotions, Family, Limiting Beliefs

Pod #59: Fear of Public Speaking w/ Janet Hilts

April 20, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” Jerry Seinfeld

Fear of public speaking can affect not only large moments when we speak in front of a group of people, but also in the small moments like asking for help at a store. This is how I originally found my way to tapping. I could speak in front of 8,000 people but couldn’t ask for help in a store. In this interview I talk with Janet Hilts about how we can use Tapping/EFT for many different aspects of public speaking. We explore how sometimes the issue isn’t the speaking itself but aspects around it, and discuss a simple approach that you can use to start tapping for your public speaking fears right away.


Janet Hilts

Guest: Janet Hilts

Contact Janet: website @ JanetHilts.com; web @ SpeakingMadeFearless.com; twitter @JanetHilts; Radio @ Moving Forward With EFT

Janet’s Bio: Using performance coaching and EFT, Janet Hilts works with creatives and professionals to remove personal blocks to success. She creates the freedom and support to help her clients move forward to do what they really want to do.

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: Fear, Janet Hilts, Premium Member, Public Speaking, TapAlong Member

10 Simple Steps To Tap On Any Emotion

April 16, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli 4 Comments

I deal with anger all of the time and because I experience it so much I don’t know where to start. Where can I begin?

Here is a great tool when you don’t know where or how to start with any emotion. This is also an excellent tool to use when you are teaching someone to tap when they are on their own because it also creates tapping phrases. For this reason I have found it best to use this like a worksheet and write out each of the steps.

1) Name The Emotion
This is easy thing to do. If you are dealing with a particular emotion, as in the question, then use that. I would also encourage you to look through the list of negative emotions created by the Center For Non-Violent Communication as a starting point. Even when we are starting with something as general as an emotion, the more specific we are, the easier progress will be.

2) Name A Specific Instance
In as much detail as you can come up with, describe one specific occasion when you felt this emotion. Talk about who was there, what was said, what you were thinking at the time, what you are thinking now as you remember it, and all the outcomes of the situation. Imagine you are sitting across from me in a coffee shop and telling me what happened as if I know none of the details.

3) Rate The Emotion On The SUDs Scale
On a scale of 0 to 10 rate how large the emotion feels right now.

4) Describe The Physical Sensations
In as much detail as possible describe the physical sensation(s) that go along with the emotion. In which part (or parts) of the body do you feel it? Is it hot, tight, heavy, itchy, stiff, trembling, clenching, or some other feeling? Do you feel it in more than one part of your body? Describe each part separately. Is there some sort of mental dialogue going on as you feel the emotion? What is the internal voice saying? Who does the voice sound like? Who does it remind you of?

5) List 3 Things That Went Wrong
Because of the instance you describe above what are (at least) three things that went wrong and how were/are you impacted by these outcomes? Sometimes one moment can impact later events and moments. Don’t just think of what went wrong in the moment, but also how it affected later moments. Again, the more detail the better.

6) List 3 Outcomes You Would Like To Have Happen Instead
After something goes wrong there are ways we would like to see it turn out better. What are (at least) three hopes you have for how this could turn out better in the future? Is there a relationship you would like to see mended? Is there something you would like someone to do? Is there a lesson you would like to learn? It is helpful to name how we would like things to turn out.

7) Re-rate On The SUDS Scale
After doing these steps I always like to re-rate the level of emotion. One of three outcomes are possible. First, the number could go up. This is because you have now spent time thinking about the issue in detail. Often this tunes us into the issue more sharply so that we notice it more, making it feel bigger.

Second, you might notice that the number goes down. Many times simply getting something out of your head will be enough to diminish its intensity. Our minds can be relentless echo chambers, taking negative thoughts or emotions and bouncing them around over and over again. When we drag them into the light of day they lose their power.

Finally, there might be no change at all. This simply means that the emotion will need more tapping to get it moving.

8) Start To Tap
Go back to the top of your page and start reading what you have written out loud as you tap. At the end of each sentence move to the next tapping point. This is not a race. There is no reason to rush. As you read what you have written out loud really pay attention to words you are saying. If you are describing what happened then try to relive what you are saying. If you are describing how you would like to see thing turns out in the future really tune into the emotion of having the new and better outcome.

9) While You Are Tapping Take Notes
As you reread what you have written before it is possible that additional details will come into focus. You may also notice new and even better outcomes around this issue for the future. If these things come to mind it is a good idea to take the time to write them down. Not only will you learn valuable things about this specific issue, but you will also learn things about yourself and the larger scope of this particular emotion.

10) Re-Rate One More Time
After you have been through reading what you have written and have tapped along, re-rate the issue to see where it is now. If you are down to a zero you are done, if you are not then you have the opportunity to move back to the top of page and tap again.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Anger, Emotions

Pod #58: Tapping For Your Sex Life w/ Gina Parris

April 9, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

In Pod #11: Tapping for Romantic Relationships I talked with Gina Parris about how we can tap to improve our romantic relationships. In this interview we take the next step and talk about how we can use tapping to improve our sexual relationship to reflect the emotional intimacy we share with our partners. It can put a real strain on a relationship when we don’t feel truly connected to our partner and often we don’t know how to talk about it, or even where to start. In this interview Gina shares practical tips for using tapping to rekindle the passion and fire in relationships.


Gina Parris

Guest: Gina Parris

Contact:
web @ GinaParris.com
web @ WinningAtRomance.com

About Gina: Gina Parris is an internationally sought-after peak performance speaker and coach who has spent twenty years helping people overcome their obstacles to reach their full potential – joyfully. Her clients range from professional athletes to solo-preneurs. She is passionate about helping people balance all the areas of their lives so that their relationships thrive amid great personal and professional growth.

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: Gina Parris, Premium Member, Relationships, Sex, TapAlong Member

Breathing Life Into Anger

April 6, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

Lately I have been having a lot of trouble with anger. I am able to do some tapping for it, but it isn’t giving me total relief and it is coming back again and again. Do you have any thoughts on how I can tap for this?


photo by Darren Hester

Anger is a powerful and wonderful emotion. It exists to keep us safe. It is the power that allows us to fight back when we are being attacked. It sharpens our focus and it gives us strength.

But it is also a very primitive emotion. It is not always very discerning. It can take the smallest slight and perceive it as an attack. When it does this it raises its ugly head. Because it is such a powerful emotion it is important to clean it out at the roots.

One of my favorite techniques for working with anger is to give it the time, space, and power to yell it self out. Anger doesn’t persist when it doesn’t have something pushing back on it.

[Note: It is important to note that you should only try this technique in a space that is safe where you are not going to let the anger get the best of you.]

We begin by tapping. I have my client then move from tapping point to tapping point throughout the whole process.

Next, I have my clients tune in to the anger. I do this my having them notice how it feels in the body. Is it fists that want to punch, fire in the veins, a voice that wants to scream, or a series of thoughts running through their mind?

After they have described to me what the anger feels like I have them breathe life and energy into the anger. I have then take a number of deep breathes. As the oxygen enters the body I instruct them to feel it powering the anger.

Once the anger has grown into its full power I ask them to just let the anger scream it self out. I give them the option to do this in their head or to do it out loud. If there is someone they are angry at I encourage them to have the anger yell anything and everything it needs to say.

After I have them do this for a while and they feel like they are done I have them do it some more. And then I have them do it some more. And then I have them do it some more until the anger has just shouted itself out.

It is amazing how quickly anger can lose its power when it doesn’t have something fighting against it or trying to hold it back. By doing this while tapping it just makes the whole process happen faster.

After you have done this to the point of boredom it is good to check in to see what new emotions are at the front of the mind. Many times the anger is not the root issue, but once the anger has gotten itself out of the way it now creates space for us to work on the root cause.

Once the deep root is revealed it is going to make it much more likely for the anger to not come back because instead of just dealing with the symptom of anger, you are able to get to what is much deeper.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Anger, hate

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GeneMonterastelliGene Monterastelli is a Brooklyn based EFT practitioner who in addition to work with clients and groups regularly writes and records about how to use the tapping to move from self-sabotage to productive action.
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