Fear of Loving and Being Loved

I know I would like to have deeper loving relationships in my life, but for some reason I keep self-sabotaging. Is there a reason I might be doing this and is there a way to us Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping to deal with it?

photo by Amarand Agasi

Often times self-sabotage is rooted in the fear of being successful and who would come with us being successful. Right before Valentines Day Deborah D. Miller, PhD
(http://www.findthelightwithin.com) wrote a great article on this topic.

“There is a secret about human love that is commonly overlooked: Receiving it is much more scary and threatening than giving it. How many times in your life have you been unable to let in someone’s love or even pushed it away? Much as we proclaim the wish to be truly loved, we are often afraid of that, and so find it difficult to open to love or let it all the way in.”
~ John Welwood

We are fast approaching Valentine’s Day, that day that reminds of love, of whether we are in a happy and loving relationship or not in one. With it can come to the surface our fears about being loved and giving love. It can remind of us feeling lonely and isolated – again when in or not in a relationship. It can remind us that love is fabulous but also requires that we are vulnerable. That is something most of us don’t like to feel.

Do you have to feel vulnerable to be loved? Does it have to be scary to love someone? Do you have to feel insecure about your loved ones?

Of course not. Love can be open, honest, delightful, and a deep sharing. It can. It starts with self-love. As you love yourself you will automatically open to being loved. More people will love who you are. More people will love you as you are. Doesn’t that feel great?

How does one get to the place of feeling so secure and safe in their own love that they can give and receive love opening? Let’s do some tapping to create just that feeling of love inside of you.



Even though I desire to be loved and accepted as I am, I’m afraid of what that would mean if I really got it. I choose to love myself anyway.

Even though I’ve learned that love is not safe, that opening up to someone means being vulnerable and unsafe, I love that I can see how love starts within me. I create safety by loving myself.

Even though it is not safe to give my love because I can’t be assured that it will be returned, and feels really scary, best to run the other way, or not open up or just ignore the opportunity, I love myself because I’m just trying to protect myself.

I feel threatened and scared when I think about receiving love.

Side of Eye:
What if I invest all that time, energy and love and it’s not returned? What if I’m scorned or found not to be good enough?

Under the Eye:
What if I’m abandoned again? What if I feel unworthy again?

Under the Nose:
What if I surrender to love and it doesn’t work out? Will I be hurt and sad again? Will I have more wounds?

How will I ever know love if I don’t open up to it? How can someone love me if I’m closed down and afraid of being hurt?

How will I ever create love if I am not willing to open up and receive love and give love?

Under the Arm:
I choose to begin by loving and accepting myself more, by being open to look at my vulnerabilities.

Top of Head:
I choose to smile and hold myself with compassion as I look at old hurts and patterns. That allows me to release them.

I choose to observe my patterns in love with gentleness so that I can identify them, modify them and begin to love in a healthier fashion.

Side of Eye:
That feels so good. It feels good to allow myself to be vulnerable with myself. It shows me that it is ok and that I will survive.

Under the Eye:
Loving myself even with my vulnerabilities allows me to love others as they are – with their vulnerabilities and fears.

Under the Nose:
Loving in this open accepting way allows me and those I love to share deeply.

It feels so good to love myself, be open to love, to share my love, and to know that as I feel good about myself love comes to me easily.

Loving includes trusting and surrendering to the process, to the journey of love.

Under the Arm:
A part of loving includes allowing someone to give to me. Scary as that may be, I would like to receive that love.

Top of Head:
Scary as it may be to give love not knowing if it will be returned, love is always returned. It may not be from the object or person I’m giving my love too but love given out always returns to me. That is how love works – give love and then you receive love.

Stop Self Sabotage NOW!

The biggest obstacle to our success is ourselves. We know what we want and often we know exactly what action we need to take… but we remain stuck. Here is an easy way to use tapping to stop self-sabotage now!


  1. Karylee Bonta says

    After reading an excellent book called The Five Love Languages, I’m now beginning the Five Love Languages for Children. The authors carefully explain the difference between conditional and unconditional love. I realized as I read through your tapping phrases that I don’t feel fear so much as I suspect that people will place conditions on their love. I don’t want to deal with CONDITIONAL love from people; I just want UNconditional love. In other words, I have very clear ideas of the kind of love I want to receive. I also don’t want to bother with giving a lot of people the chance to offer only conditional love.
    This is a factor that many people may need help with. Too many people who are now grown up never got enough unconditional love, so their natural way of loving is to give it WITH conditions and judgments.
    A short piece on this as a companion to this article would be excellent. But it’s easy to see, isn’t it, why giving and receiving love is a painful process for so many?
    A great article, as usual, Gene.

  2. says

    Gene, I think being able to love and be loved is at the core of happy, healthy human experience.

    Thanks for this excellent tapping sequence on loving.

    Natalie hill

  3. Kaye Watson says

    The tapping sequence about love and fear really touched a place deep in my heart (and made me cry). I loved the words, they were so right for me. I know that I have to love myself more.

    Thank you for your insightful set up phrases.

    Kaye Watson Melbourne Australia

  4. Catherine says

    Exactly – I can feel myself self-sabotaging love in my life and by contrast I am miserable with having been alone for many years. I desparetly want love in my life – but the overwhelming fear is pretty exactly expressed by the lines used in this tapping sequence. I think I need to keep working with it. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Spy says

    What is it when one finds love and intimacy to be disgusting?
    Whenever the thought pop up in my head, I find them unbearably nauseating. I remember when I was trying to have a discussion with someone about it (we thought it was because of nervous tics), and it was fine until he used the words. I threw up just at the mere mention of “love” and “intimacy”.

    Is there some deeply psychological reason for this? Or what?

    • says

      More than likely when we find something disgusting is it our systems way of keeping us safe. It is point something out that the system thinks is dangerous and it is trying to drive us away from it.

      If you are feeling disgusted at the thought of “love” or “intimacy” it is very likely there are is part of you that sees experiencing this is not safe.

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